Mark for Life

Wednesday Morning 6:09am
I woke up that morning thinking it was going to be another day. I remember prior that day I was nervous about giving my facilitation for a reading that I was assign that day. I never imagined that something horrible would have never happen. I look at my phone as always to check the time the bus was going to arrive at the bus stop, I come to the crosswalk Compton Blvd and Holly Ave. There was no car in sight, I decide to walk, as i was walking a saw a car coming I figured it would stop however that did not occurred. I got hit by the front side curb of the car, by the headlights were located; I landed on the street. I didn't have time to react, I started to cry, I look to see the car but it was no longer in sight.I tried getting up but a man asked me to stay down until the paramedics arrived. I had no choice but to stay down, a minutes after I saw the metro bus and the bus driver  next to me asking me to call someone. However my phone was not working so she asked to give her a number so she could tell someone what had occurred. While she did that the police arrived and asked me what just had happened. I didn't know what to say, I had barely had time to take in what just had happen. In my head I was freaking out, why did something like this happen to me? I saw my mom standing there looking at me, I wanted her next to me but I was surrounded with paramedics. They kept asking me so many questions, I was lost and confused. The pain in my arm and my leg began. A few minutes later I was put on the ambulance and taken to the hospital.

It was around 7am when I arrived to the hospital, I was taken to the ER. There were people around me, I hadn't yet realize what had happen. I was just in shock and didn't know, I was confused. The nurses, the doctor asked me if i had pain in my back, neck, legs, etc. Yes I told them only in my right foot and my right elbow and slight pain in my forehead. I didn't know what they were saying among themselves, then I realize people were undressing me and poking me in my fingers, they were putting me these things (things that are hooked up when you are in the hospital I dont know what they are called) but yeah. I had no clue, like I said I was just freak out what just had happen. I couldn't believe I was laying in a bed in the ER. I spent 5 hours in the hospital, Cat- scans and X-rays making sure nothing serious happen to me. When I was taken to resting area, I found my parents there :) I told them how scare I was and I started to cry. You guys have no idea how scare I was, I never experience anything scary like this before. My mom was by my side the whole time. After a while, my sister shows up, I could not believe she was there but I was glad that my family was there for me.

Around 1pm, we left the hospital, me with crunches. It looks harder than it looks. I just look at the my injuries and still couldn't believe what had happen. As we were going home, we passed through the scene of the crime and just stared. I think to myself, "This morning I was run over by a car" I started to cry. At least nothing major happen to me and thank goodness for that otherwise I wouldn't be here telling you my story. When I arrive home, and realized due to this injury I knew I wasn't going to go the party that I was dying to go, the party that I was bragging to all my friends El Rodeo de Terror a party hosted by my beloved Hermanos Undios de Cal Poly Pomona. As I'm writing this, it saddens me because I had my costume all set, and ready to party with them. But unfortunately, this happen... why did this happen to me? I hate the person who just knock me down and rode away.

Each time that  I think about what happen, it makes me sad and depress. A sudden flashback just disables me to do anything, just want to lay down and sleep.I don't feel like doing anything because of it. It hurts, body aches, bruises all over my body, my feet swollen... not a fun feeling. I just wish I could heal this... There's nothing to do but just wait and let it heal but itself. Ni modo. Ya que puedo hacer. I was really looking forward tonight. Dancing the night away... :/

The only thing left to do is... to imagine how fun would I be having if i was going.

How do I Look?

"How Do I Look?" I wake up every morning with that question in mind. It takes me 30 minutes to figure out what to wear to school, take another 20 minutes to wash my face, put on make up and do my hair it's something outrageous because I find myself thinking why do I spend so much time making myself pretty for school. School is a place of learning and not making myself available to the opposite sex. I guess I have accustom myself to do this every since middle school when I was first introduce to eyeliner and mascara. I remember my friends and I took our mom's makeup and went to the schools restroom and fix ourselves up. I didn't understand then why we did that. Ever since I have always look at my imperfections and tried to fix them up. When I arrive to high school that's where things started to change; for instance there was a point in my life that i didn't like the way I look, the color of my skin... brown. Within all my friends I was the only one who had the darkest skin, I felt that I didn't fit in. This got worst when guys didn't turn to see me rather they took notice to girls who were light skinned and skinny. My self-esteem went down for a long period of time, I just wanted to look like everyone else. I even dressed differently to catch the guys attention but even with that nothing changed. I did the impossible to fit in, I put on more make up, I even stop eating so I wouldn't gain weight. I just didn't feel good about the way I look, I felt that there was something wrong with me and I felt I needed to change it in order for people to like me.  

For a while, I thought that I finally let that mind of thinking go but for some reason I think that girl still remains  inside of me even though I don't want to admit it myself. As we are talking about Representations of Latina in Mass media, I'm thinking about how right now I'm doing the possible to lose weight. I still have that mentality that i have to look the best by best i mean skinny for a guy to like me, or for me to succeed. However I know it's not true and I need to learn not to think like that. But the mass media is not helping either, i see in magazines, tv shows, and other places how these women look and i know it's impossible for a woman to look the way they do. I just wish I could take out that mentality and replace it with what I'm learning now that women don't need to be skinny or light skin for a guy to like them. I wish I could just be myself without worrying about how I look, without consent looking myself in the mirror and looking at my tummy, without worrying about how much i eat or how much I exercise.

 How do I look? A question I just wish I don't need to ask anymore. I wish I could just feel good the way I look and that's what matters but in reality I think it will never go away because the consent reminder will be always be there, the magazines, TV shows, etc. 

:)