How do I Look?

"How Do I Look?" I wake up every morning with that question in mind. It takes me 30 minutes to figure out what to wear to school, take another 20 minutes to wash my face, put on make up and do my hair it's something outrageous because I find myself thinking why do I spend so much time making myself pretty for school. School is a place of learning and not making myself available to the opposite sex. I guess I have accustom myself to do this every since middle school when I was first introduce to eyeliner and mascara. I remember my friends and I took our mom's makeup and went to the schools restroom and fix ourselves up. I didn't understand then why we did that. Ever since I have always look at my imperfections and tried to fix them up. When I arrive to high school that's where things started to change; for instance there was a point in my life that i didn't like the way I look, the color of my skin... brown. Within all my friends I was the only one who had the darkest skin, I felt that I didn't fit in. This got worst when guys didn't turn to see me rather they took notice to girls who were light skinned and skinny. My self-esteem went down for a long period of time, I just wanted to look like everyone else. I even dressed differently to catch the guys attention but even with that nothing changed. I did the impossible to fit in, I put on more make up, I even stop eating so I wouldn't gain weight. I just didn't feel good about the way I look, I felt that there was something wrong with me and I felt I needed to change it in order for people to like me.  

For a while, I thought that I finally let that mind of thinking go but for some reason I think that girl still remains  inside of me even though I don't want to admit it myself. As we are talking about Representations of Latina in Mass media, I'm thinking about how right now I'm doing the possible to lose weight. I still have that mentality that i have to look the best by best i mean skinny for a guy to like me, or for me to succeed. However I know it's not true and I need to learn not to think like that. But the mass media is not helping either, i see in magazines, tv shows, and other places how these women look and i know it's impossible for a woman to look the way they do. I just wish I could take out that mentality and replace it with what I'm learning now that women don't need to be skinny or light skin for a guy to like them. I wish I could just be myself without worrying about how I look, without consent looking myself in the mirror and looking at my tummy, without worrying about how much i eat or how much I exercise.

 How do I look? A question I just wish I don't need to ask anymore. I wish I could just feel good the way I look and that's what matters but in reality I think it will never go away because the consent reminder will be always be there, the magazines, TV shows, etc. 

:)