Livin' Life

I want to say things are going to get better and everything is going to turn out to be fine but I really can’t say because I don’t know.  This past year I have realize in order to move on, one needs to let go of the past and start over otherwise that person will always be living in the past. The past is gone and one needs to let go, as much it may hurt, at the end you’ll be glad you left it. It may be hard at first but with the help of others it will slowly go away. With the loving support from family, friends and GOD anything is possible. I know for me it has, for the last few years I have been hanging on my past, always too afraid of what people may think, too scare to live life, and hard to trust people who always disappoint me. But hey, if we don’t take a risk we will always be afraid, living life afraid is just stupid.

Writing is my Medicine

Writing perhaps maybe the only thing from saving me making a fool of myself once more; each time I try it seems like I’m doom to failure. I want to say that things will eventually get better but I cannot say. The future is beyond my control and cannot predict what’s going to happen next. I want to believe again but each disillusion has really affected me and sometimes these scars are hard to heal.  Time will see if I will be able to believe again. For now I need to stay strong and think about what’s important in life. Family. Friends. and God who will always be there in the good and bad times. :)

Another Semester is Gone

Last post of the semester, it seems like if it was just yesterday that it was the first day of school and now it's over. Time flies when you are having a great time. A lot of amazing things happen over these past 16 weeks and I want to say that I have learned and gain new things as well as new experiences that I will cherish. Perhaps towards the end I was a bit fragile and it seem like everything was coming apart but at the end I knew that it didn't matter what people said or do was going to affect me. It may have disappointed me to see that they weren't the people that I expected to be but I took that disappointment as a positive thing. I took that rage inside of me and put it into my school work. I know I may be wasting my time writing this post but writing is a relaxation method for me and taking time to write this helps me to develop my thoughts and ideas.  Thoughts and ideas that I will need to focus on my finals. Another semester has ended and the only left is to finish strong and hopefully afterwards get some peace from school and other worries that may be bothering us. Overall, I'm just glad that I finally finish the semester and hopefully the next few days I could stay focus and finish strong in my classes.

Let's Do This.

True Colors

"Cara vemos, corazones no sabemos"

You really don't know a person until their true colors come out. Why does it hurt to find out that the person who you thought you knew turns out to be a jerk? I really thought he was my friend; it saddens me to realize that I never really knew him. I don't know if he has been always like this or is it since that night that everything has changed. The more I think about it the more i realize his change of his behavior, I've never seen this side of him before. After this disappointment I'm really doubting who is actually my friend. I'm tired of people always disappointing me, did i do something wrong that I bought this upon myself? Did I cause anyone any pain for me to for me to deserve this? Why am I always meeting the wrong people in my life? Disappointment after disappointment it seems like the universe doesn't want me to be happy. I try and try to live my life as much as possible but its hard when you are surrounded with disappointment. I'm so angry and frustrated with pain; pain that I wish I could make it disappear. I do not want to cry for someone who doesn't give a damn about me, doesn't care if he hurts my feelings; what kind of friend does that another friend. Enough is enough I can not let him or anyone bring me down again especially that finals are coming up. He's not going to bring me down. No!!!! I need to stop thinking about him and move on and concentrate on my work. I hate that I have waste time thinking about him, not worth it. 

Not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth it. 

I don't need friends like him in my life.

 

Change. Choices. Knowledge.

At some point of our lives, we sit down and think about how our lives have been thus far and think about rather or not we've made the right choices or made mistakes that takes us to insanity. I had several of those moments and seems like I do not realize the great importance of those decisions and how it will deeply affect my future. Change is a hard process and its not like I could change from one day to another. If I really want to change I need to set myself to straight and think about the consequences about the decisions I make because if I don't, I'm more likely to commit the mistake again and I do not want to go through that process. I'm tired of this and just want to stop worrying about the regrets and move on with my life. If not I will always be stuck in the past and the past is the place that no one wants to be. And plus, we can not take back what we did, we just need to learn how to live with the choices that we make even though it may be hard at first one learns to over come it. It's strange, you see sometimes I do not know when I'm going to start writing something inspirational. I usually start writing and nothing much comes out until I think about what I've learn at school and apply to what I've seen and suddenly I begin to write. We all have been given knowledge and it's up to the person how to use it.

Be the change of the world.

New Week

Last days at CSULB, even though how scary it may sound its the truth. As  the semester is whining down, I'm forth to think about how my semester went and think about the good and bad things happen. Perhaps it may not went according to plan, I really enjoyed myself. I had the pleasure of meeting new people through HaU as well in La Raza. I also got to learn new concepts, new ideas, new way of looking of society and think about how society can be so ignorant sometimes. Wow. Is the only word that comes into mind as I'm taking the time to write this piece. It has been so hetic these few days and finally some peace and quiet. Well not quite but almost there though, just few more days and I'll be out of here and time to hit the bed. Oh I wish, but I know during this break I'll need to get off my butt and look for a job or something that gains me some experience. At this rate, I'm not going anywhere and that really bites because I've coming to school for the past few years and what would it all been if I don't get to work with youth. Another semester has fallen, within a year from now I'll be done and that really should frighten me but at the same time I'll be relieve because I completed what I had started. Well let's see how the rest of my week goes maybe just maybe I'll be back before then and continue this post.

GOOD LUCK.

Another "ahhhh" Day

How am I suppose to ignore everything that I have within me? Besides the thoughts of assignments and other important dates I still can not get my mind off everything, especially "what's his face". No matter how hard I tried to procrastinate on my assignments there is no instant that I do not think of him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I go one day without thinking about him? I hate that I have to waste my time writing about someone who I know will never see me more than a friend. I need more busy work.... more and more until I realize he is no longer in mind. As I'm walking to one place to another, I try to think about school and how I'm stressing myself out but at some point he comes out. H. I want to say it's just an obsession but no, its not. Today prior to my class this morning, I took a 2 hour nap at Raza, and guess what I was thinking (dreaming) about, well him, not hard to guess. But that dream seem more than a dream it seem like reality, it felt so real as he was there by my side and hugging me. How weird is that? Seriously I think see someone about that.

But in other news, today I feel a bit better than yesterday. Seriously, that trip that I made during the weekend messed me up. Was it worth it? Yes, I had a blast with my girls. But I just wish I was a bit responsible though. Things happen for a reason right? But this time I really think that I didn't make the right choice thought. Or I don't know I'm more confused more than ever. Mi friend. I wish he could just text me again, I don't want to text him because I don't want to bother him. I'm going to give him his space. I just don't want to lose him, I really don't. I remember the first time I met him. HaU & HU So Cal Bash @El Dorado Park. HAhaha back in May 2010. I've known him about 2 years and 6 months. Memories <3. I want him to know that he knows me and he knows that the way I acted yesterday wasn't me. Oh get this, yesterday I went to the student health center and told me that I wasn't doing well and sent me home and rest. And fortunately this morning I was doing better.

Well lets see how this goes.!!!!

The Weekend: Demanding.

Have you ever felt that you wish you never had a particular conversation with a friend. That friend that you always considered as a close friend even though that you two haven't hung out or talked for a while. Well I do regret my behavior towards that friend. I must admit that I was not in my 5 senses, I will say a part of it is because of that but also I must admit that it was me who is impatience when people don't respond their texts. The more that I think about it, I regret it. I just don't know what got to me this weekend that I just demanded. I must admit that I was demanding to him, which I have no idea why? It was just fluid that I was drinking that didn't let me think. I don't know if he is ever going to talk to me again. The more and more I read the text messages, the more I realize how stupid and crazy I was in writing those messages to him. He's my friend, just thinking about that, its just plain wrong and weird. I'm sadly to say that I think I lost him. Yet again. I don't know what to think anymore. A part of me is OMG, why did I say that but for reason that other part of me is like I was actually looking forward to what we have been talking about it. It seem right for some reason but what's the point now he's not ever going to talk to me again. I hate myself for that. The worst thing is that I was actually felt this was going to work out that I did something that I don't think I could take back. I mean I could erase the messages but I could not erase... Nevermind. I wish he could read this and realize I'm sorry and wish I could take back all my demanding back. He should know me by now that I'm not like that. Little by little I'm regaining my will power back and it's taking me a while to adjust back to school. Until this point I have not yet thought about t he consequences of my actions. Well just the risk of losing him and I really don't want that to happen. if I could take that back I would take it back.

It seems like the world is against right now. I just receive a text from my mother saying that I got the hospital bill and guess how much is it? 27,000 yes, omg I just don't know what to do. Now i really do need to get a job. maybe not come next semester and work it out. For reals, why me? I really don't know what to do. I'm lost and confused. What am i suppose to do now?

For now, regarding to my friend, I'll just let him cool down and hopefully he texts me soon if not I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. And the hospital thing, I'm not so sure about that. let's just see how everything plays out.

Losing You...

Losing you is like losing hope

Hope in everything that I once believed in;

No matter how much I try I know I will never reach it

Losing you when I never had you is dumb I know

But I had hope that one day you turn around and see the girl who is standing here

The girl who always too shy to talk to you but always smiles when you say hi

Losing you is a sign that you aren’t meant for me

I just thought I finally found the right guy that I was looking for

But yet again I was wrong

Losing you is agonizing but I’ll learn to accept this, eventually

Time is all I need to take this all in

And distance from you will be painful but will serve me good;

That way I will heal

Losing you is a defeat but there are other important battles I need to face

Battles in which I know I could win

And you were a battle that I couldn’t win but I know I will survive 

Mark for Life

Wednesday Morning 6:09am
I woke up that morning thinking it was going to be another day. I remember prior that day I was nervous about giving my facilitation for a reading that I was assign that day. I never imagined that something horrible would have never happen. I look at my phone as always to check the time the bus was going to arrive at the bus stop, I come to the crosswalk Compton Blvd and Holly Ave. There was no car in sight, I decide to walk, as i was walking a saw a car coming I figured it would stop however that did not occurred. I got hit by the front side curb of the car, by the headlights were located; I landed on the street. I didn't have time to react, I started to cry, I look to see the car but it was no longer in sight.I tried getting up but a man asked me to stay down until the paramedics arrived. I had no choice but to stay down, a minutes after I saw the metro bus and the bus driver  next to me asking me to call someone. However my phone was not working so she asked to give her a number so she could tell someone what had occurred. While she did that the police arrived and asked me what just had happened. I didn't know what to say, I had barely had time to take in what just had happen. In my head I was freaking out, why did something like this happen to me? I saw my mom standing there looking at me, I wanted her next to me but I was surrounded with paramedics. They kept asking me so many questions, I was lost and confused. The pain in my arm and my leg began. A few minutes later I was put on the ambulance and taken to the hospital.

It was around 7am when I arrived to the hospital, I was taken to the ER. There were people around me, I hadn't yet realize what had happen. I was just in shock and didn't know, I was confused. The nurses, the doctor asked me if i had pain in my back, neck, legs, etc. Yes I told them only in my right foot and my right elbow and slight pain in my forehead. I didn't know what they were saying among themselves, then I realize people were undressing me and poking me in my fingers, they were putting me these things (things that are hooked up when you are in the hospital I dont know what they are called) but yeah. I had no clue, like I said I was just freak out what just had happen. I couldn't believe I was laying in a bed in the ER. I spent 5 hours in the hospital, Cat- scans and X-rays making sure nothing serious happen to me. When I was taken to resting area, I found my parents there :) I told them how scare I was and I started to cry. You guys have no idea how scare I was, I never experience anything scary like this before. My mom was by my side the whole time. After a while, my sister shows up, I could not believe she was there but I was glad that my family was there for me.

Around 1pm, we left the hospital, me with crunches. It looks harder than it looks. I just look at the my injuries and still couldn't believe what had happen. As we were going home, we passed through the scene of the crime and just stared. I think to myself, "This morning I was run over by a car" I started to cry. At least nothing major happen to me and thank goodness for that otherwise I wouldn't be here telling you my story. When I arrive home, and realized due to this injury I knew I wasn't going to go the party that I was dying to go, the party that I was bragging to all my friends El Rodeo de Terror a party hosted by my beloved Hermanos Undios de Cal Poly Pomona. As I'm writing this, it saddens me because I had my costume all set, and ready to party with them. But unfortunately, this happen... why did this happen to me? I hate the person who just knock me down and rode away.

Each time that  I think about what happen, it makes me sad and depress. A sudden flashback just disables me to do anything, just want to lay down and sleep.I don't feel like doing anything because of it. It hurts, body aches, bruises all over my body, my feet swollen... not a fun feeling. I just wish I could heal this... There's nothing to do but just wait and let it heal but itself. Ni modo. Ya que puedo hacer. I was really looking forward tonight. Dancing the night away... :/

The only thing left to do is... to imagine how fun would I be having if i was going.

How do I Look?

"How Do I Look?" I wake up every morning with that question in mind. It takes me 30 minutes to figure out what to wear to school, take another 20 minutes to wash my face, put on make up and do my hair it's something outrageous because I find myself thinking why do I spend so much time making myself pretty for school. School is a place of learning and not making myself available to the opposite sex. I guess I have accustom myself to do this every since middle school when I was first introduce to eyeliner and mascara. I remember my friends and I took our mom's makeup and went to the schools restroom and fix ourselves up. I didn't understand then why we did that. Ever since I have always look at my imperfections and tried to fix them up. When I arrive to high school that's where things started to change; for instance there was a point in my life that i didn't like the way I look, the color of my skin... brown. Within all my friends I was the only one who had the darkest skin, I felt that I didn't fit in. This got worst when guys didn't turn to see me rather they took notice to girls who were light skinned and skinny. My self-esteem went down for a long period of time, I just wanted to look like everyone else. I even dressed differently to catch the guys attention but even with that nothing changed. I did the impossible to fit in, I put on more make up, I even stop eating so I wouldn't gain weight. I just didn't feel good about the way I look, I felt that there was something wrong with me and I felt I needed to change it in order for people to like me.  

For a while, I thought that I finally let that mind of thinking go but for some reason I think that girl still remains  inside of me even though I don't want to admit it myself. As we are talking about Representations of Latina in Mass media, I'm thinking about how right now I'm doing the possible to lose weight. I still have that mentality that i have to look the best by best i mean skinny for a guy to like me, or for me to succeed. However I know it's not true and I need to learn not to think like that. But the mass media is not helping either, i see in magazines, tv shows, and other places how these women look and i know it's impossible for a woman to look the way they do. I just wish I could take out that mentality and replace it with what I'm learning now that women don't need to be skinny or light skin for a guy to like them. I wish I could just be myself without worrying about how I look, without consent looking myself in the mirror and looking at my tummy, without worrying about how much i eat or how much I exercise.

 How do I look? A question I just wish I don't need to ask anymore. I wish I could just feel good the way I look and that's what matters but in reality I think it will never go away because the consent reminder will be always be there, the magazines, TV shows, etc. 

:)

Grad School or Not?

What should I do with the rest of my life? Is the question that I'm thinking about that I'm almost at the end of my undergraduate career in Cal State Long Beach. It's been an intense but also a fun journey; however now I'm thinking about when I graduate from here, what am I suppose to do? I have been avoiding this question for a while now and I know what I want to do but not sure how to get there. Today on campus there was a graduate fair by the friendship walk and there were different kinds of schools and programs being offered. Hannali (my friend )and I passed by through some schools, I mainly was looking at School Counseling. There was San Diego State, Chapman and Loyola Marymount . Just attending this fair made me aware about the future and about where I'm going to be at.

So, this is the first step for my future. I have been doubting though, what if I'm not capable in getting into a grad program, what is my second choice? What is my life will be then? I know I shouldn't be thinking negatively but I just can't help it. I need to be realistic. So I'm not sure what to do?

Grad  School or No? 

Busy Week

I guess I haven't had time to sit down and write. You know with school and all I haven't been able to sit for 5 minutes and write what's been on my mind. Now I have at least a couple of minutes to write, I've been pretty  busy enjoying my last year of college. I just pasting myself to do well my last year and to be able hold a position in a student organization. So far, it's been pretty tense and apart from that having time to hang out with my friends. It's been a wild ride so far and it's not even the middle of the semester yet. And apart from school I'm trying to get a job so I start driving, I want to own my life already. I just feel like a burden to my parents and I want to help them out after all what they've done for me. So I'm working on that... 

Other than that, my life has been busy like I said before and I don't have time to worry about other things such as guys. :) That's great because I finally have a distraction that keeps me away from that topic however there are times in which I do think about... yeah I'm not going to finish that sentence. But anyways, this weekend pretty busy as well, tomorrow La Raza Student Association, the org that I'm involved, we're having  our yard sale. And on Sunday, we are having our BBQ (Carne Asada) which I can't wait for. I'm excited for these two events however I just feel that things aren't according what I had expected to be. I mean I love being an officer it's just that...

Yeah.... let's see how my weekend goes. 

Tuesday Sept. 11

Not sure how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm doing alright but not exactly sure how I'm feeling. I'm happy in one hand that it's Tuesday and school is offically has kicked in but on other hand I don't know what's going on in my life. I mean, I feel that I'm heading back to the same girl that I use to be and  I don't want that. I just want to focus in school, in raza and now in Destino thanks to my good friend Alyssa but things aren't going according to plan. Not sure.

In other words, this evening I'll be attending a Training session that F.U.E.L will be hosting that will help the volunteers such as me to get trained to help students with their Deferred Application. I'm looking forward in going. Other than that, ummm loving my classes this semester. Especially CHLS 490: Youth, Immigration, Education that I'm learning a lot, like today for instance we were talking about integration of immigrants in society today. A very interseting topic by the way, any how talking about that lead us to think about strengthening our borders if we agree to it or not? the professor gave us a scenario that citizens would think about immigrants. We've been checking out some numbers (data) regarding the population of latinos in the U.S. and we've been discussing about it and what does this mean. Any how the professor ended the class making us think what would we choose. Interseting huh?

I'm sitting in La Raza, waiting for 6pm to come.... :) 

First Days

It's only the first days of school and yet I have this great euthuaism for each of my classes. For some reason, I'm super excited for this semester, I don't know why I just am. I don't know if the retreat had anything to do with it but I'm glad I'm feeling like this. I think it's the first time in my college career that I love my classes that I'm taking.
Chls 330 MW 9:30am-10:45am
Geog120 MW 11am-12:15pm
Chls 490  T/TH 11am-12:15pm
L/ST 400  T  5pm-7:45pm
EDSP355A W 4pm-6:45pm
I'm taking 15 units, hopefully I'm not over doing it because other than school I'm planning to be involved in campus. So, let's see how that goes.

But other than school issues, well nothing much is happening, well there is but I really can't say because what if that person happens to read this post. I don't the truth to come out, so to be in the safe side I'll keep it down low. Well too late for that if I may say so myself. But yeah, nothing major is happening to me. I'm just glad to see all my friends this week :). And hopefully this semester turns out a great one.

Just one weekend

Just one weekend: I felt relax before starting a new academic year. Just one weekend:  I cleared off my thoughts and breathe before the stressing out begins. Just one weekend:  I reflected upon my thoughts, my feelings and everything that I didn't have the chance to think about. This amazing weekend that just passed has made me think differently the way I see the world. For some reason I have conflicted issues among my values and the things I have learned. I've learned that I shouldn't complaining for what I have because there are others that have it worst than me. I should be lucky to be where I am here today.I guess I should be happy and be content for what I have but at the same time I just feel like something is missing. I have always felt that empty feeling inside even though I don't want to admit it but it's just that i wish I had that confidence, that security that most girls have but I don't. Each day I struggle to be a better person, to be that person who i want to be. I want to be that change I want to see in the world. I want to walk down the streets wearing whatever I want without being honk or whistle by other men, i want to speak out my mind and not afraid of what they might thing. I want to stand up and say what I have to say and not afraid being rejected. But I don'.t Each day I struggle with that and most people don't understand how hard is to be me. I just want that certain person to understand my life, I want that person to be my confident, to be my best friend, someone that I could go to and be honest with, but I haven't found that person.For the mean time, I hold my head up high and take each day at a time. :) It's hard but I know I could do it, by the end of the day I will have accomplish a lot. :D

For reason this weekend is different compared to any other weekend I've lived through, I don't know it's different though. I can't say much about it but there was a vibe I don't know. That mushy feeling one gets, I don't know. I think it's all in my head. Okay. Enough about that.As I sit here, I'm reading through the syllabus for each of my classes, I'm starting to think about the difficulty I will face but I'm determine to do my best , no more lagging it. I can't afford to mess up anymore otherwise I'm out. You know what all my classes have in common is Presentations yes Oral Presentations, the worst nightmare in my life. I know it's a challenge but I'm willing to get over it if I practice, and I know that I will achieve it. I'm scare now. I know I could do this.

Wish me Luck Tomorrow. I sure need it. ^-^

Last Days/ Retreat

I don't know why I make a big deal the last few days of vacation before school starts. I guess the excitement, the nervous feeling that I get whenever a new semester starts. Where did the summer go? I just can't believe that summer went by so quickly, it just seem if last week was the first week of summer vacation.  What a shame, at least I was able to do something useful this summer took a summer course at El Camino Compton Center and volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club of Long Beach. What a wonderful summer it was indeed. Now school starts on Monday, I need to get back in my feet and start focusing again, no more distractions no more drama and especially no more laziness. I have a tough schedule this semester, I'm taking 15 units and plus I'm an officer in La Raza. When you think about it, I have lots to do this year and hopefully I could manage to do what I have plan this year. Eh. 

Any minute now, I'll be heading down to Long Beach State to depart to La Raza Retreat! at Lake Arrowhead. Yes, the day finally arrived to go up to the mountains and spend quality time with my friends. Unfortunately only 10 people are going :/ it's a shame but an upside to that is that we get to bond closer with the people that are going. I'm so excited to go. :) Yay! I don't know what to expect this year's retreat but I'm excited to find out. As I reflect by at each retreat that I've been into, they've been getting better and better each time. This year is my fourth retreat, I know, I've been in Raza for a while huh. Well let's see if this retreat tops the last one. hahaha.

:D Maggie 

A week prior of the Fall Semester

As the start of the semester is approaching, I'm thinking about the classes that I'm taking well prior today I decided to take only 12 units = to 4 classes. However I received some news about the Chicano/Latino Department about they will need to cut down some classes if they don't reach a number of students in the classes. I was looking at the list of classes that  they are possible of cutting, one of them being the class that I enrolled in CHLS 330 Critical Issues in Chicana and Latina Studies. I don't know what to do if the class is indeed cut, however I just enrolled myself in another class CHLS490 Latino Youth, Immigrant and Education I saw this prior to the email however I thought 4 classes is enough but now I'm having second thoughts. The class is seems interesting especially that I'm interested in working with youth and education. I don't know how I'm going to do this but I'm going to give my 150% and plus I need to complete my CHLS310 course that I didn't completed last year prior to an incident that happen to me.

As you see I have a lot going on this semester. Not sure if I'm going to be able to handle it all but I'm going to try. No more side track stuff, I need to think serious especially that I'm thinking of graduating next fall. Damn, all this thinking has made me have a headache. You see what college does to you, drives in crazy, insane and even go nuts. But hey, it's worth it at the end.

Well let's see how it goes this year.

Mexico Won Gold Medal

Mexico Won !~ Gold Medal (1-2) against Brazil. It was no surprise that Mexico won, based on how they were playing throughout the Olympics. I'm so proud that they are representing us in London. I'm proud to be Mexican.
Si Se Pudo!!! Viva Mexico!!!

Another Year Older

Today is my birthday, unfortunately I'm another year older something that I don't enjoy very much. Each year it reminds me the things I've done in the past year and sometimes it's not good in remembering those things. It also reminds me the things I haven't done, for example I should have a job by now at least or at least learn how to drive but that's not the case. I'm "22" and yet I haven't done anything. Another year has passed, another year that the lord has given me to spend with family and friends and I'm thankful for that. This upcoming year, I want to do a lot of things maybe travel, definitely get my license and of course a job that I love. I also want to network with people, look into grad schools and maybe let myself open in meeting new people. I don't know. But that could wait,  I have other important things I want to do before  getting myself into a relationship. But yeah. Happy Birthday to Me. :)

Campus Tour Today

Where to start? Today I went back to school (CSULB) to give a campus tour a group of students who were visiting us. I heard about this tour through Hermanas Undias, an organization that I've been involved with almost two years. Any how yeah, our academic chair, Joanna, sent out an email several weeks ago regarding this and immediately i responded quickly that I was interested in helping out. Ever since I decided to work with the youth as a counselor I have been finding ways to work with them. So I decided why not get some experience by giving a campus tour. And you know what? It was amazing, i would have thought I would be nervous but actually it turn out pretty great. As I was coming home, I felt great about myself because I knew that I made the right career choice working with the youth. I felt proud and thanks to Joanna who held this event. I wish I had more opportunities to work with them; I've been trying to look places that involve working with them but no luck. I don't know where to look at. But anyways... I hope more opportunities like these show up. Overall I had a great day.

An Update

Seeing that I haven't written for months already, I guess I should start writing again. I don't know what's in my head right now. I've been volunteering at a Boys and Girls Club for the past few weeks and I love working there with the kids. But I don't know, daily it's like I don't want to go. I've been going but eh. I'm not that motivated to go anymore. Is something wrong with me? Is it because I'm doing work for free? Would I be more motivated if I was getting paid? I don't know and these questions often come up in my mind.

Any how, in other updates... Raza. In the org that I'm involved in is in serious trouble. Not bad trouble, but trouble that we won't have grants (money) to fund our events this upcoming academic school year. We, the officers, are thinking of ways to petition to give us money for the events. But I don't know how we going to do it.

I'm at school. Just using the internet because I don't have access to internet at my house. So for the mean time I need to rely on wi fi or come to school to use it. Yeah.

Sleepless Night

Hey!!
I know it's passed my bedtime and I should be sleeping rather than writing my stupid blog but I have a problem. I can't sleep. I try closing my eyes but they won't shut. I don't why I have such difficulty in going to sleep I don't have anything on my mind. I don't know what the problem is. I'm tired but not sleepy.  Weird, right? How can a person be tired but not sleepy? I don't know, I guess I'm one of those exceptions. I don't follow the rules. I have always been that special girl, that quiet, smart, lovely girl that no one notices but her true friends. Eh, who knows when she's going to have a boyfriend, or graduate from college and get a successful job offer. All my life I have been wondering why was I made here for? Why did God put me this world? There was must a purpose and I want to know what is it. I may sometimes think of myself the victim in reality I'm not. I act, I say I'm sorry when half the times I'm not which is sometimes I hate about me. Deep talk. Oh great, this is what I get when I'm not sleeping I start writing how I'm feeling. Which is something that I don't often write about... I have a lot of feelings hidden in me and afraid to show it because I feel they aren't important. I don't want people to worry about me...Ahhh, hopefully by writing this blog I could finally hit the sack. Until that time comes I will continue writing. Besides a sleepless night, I'm also stuck with the toliet roll of paper beside my pillow. I have been getting sick something that I wasn't expecting. Another thing I need to worry about.  Now it's 1:43am. And yet I'm here writing. I just don't know what to do with the life I'm given. I'm grateful for everything I have in my life but it seems if something is missing and no it's not a guy but something else. A reason to get up every morning, a reason to tell myself that I could make a difference... a reason to be happy. But I don't know what? I wish I was given a sign or something to tell me what my next step in life is.

Wondering Thoughts

These past few days I haven’t been able to write. For some reason it seem if I was in another world. Time around me goes by so quickly that I don’t have time to breathe. It seems like if I were to run out of breath. I run and run as I try to run away from reality and start to live life how it suppose to be lived rather than just worried about the material things. I just hate the fact what our world has become; having material things such as luxury cars, clothes, phones, etc… makes us happy. Clubbing, and drinking for instance, I don't know why people do this. Seriously, drinking to have fun, what's the point of poisoning yourself to have fun? There are many ways in have fun without the need of alcohol in your system.Many may argue that I’m saying this because I don’t have a life. Well they are wrong to claim that because I’m saying it because I’ve lived through a certain experiences involved with clubbing and drinking.Of course that part of me is hurt and still recuperating but I have learned a lot and gain a lot of wisdom because of it. Now, I know not to make the same mistakes I am more aware what’s going around me. But hey, mistakes are a natural thing no one is perfect. Mistakes are learning experiences that we learned from and become better people. 

The more time I spend on the computer the more things I have to write. I’ve been at this for several minutes and look what I have written. I’m a natural writer; an unknown writer that will always be hidden from the world. I sometimes do wonder what if I enhance my writing skills and become a successful writer? What if… the magic two words that makes me think of the possibilities it would bring me, not much I’m sure. Just like teachers, I’m not sure that writers get paid well. Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of writing it is. Maybe in journalism, writing an article of the newspaper, or maybe writing an article in a magazine whatever the case maybe it would be nice writing on something that I actually like writing about rather than formal writing (essays, research papers, etc.). I should have seen this coming, I’ve always enjoyed writing it started with a simple diary in 5^th grade then move to short stories in middle and high school then transition into blogging and now I’m actually thinking in writing short articles. 

Strange huh? Now I want to become a writer even though my grammatical errors prevent it from happening but yet wondering what would it be like? I’m a confused person as you may have notice, I want to do a lot in my life. I want to be a teacher, a mentor, a writer, a photographer, a counselor, activist, etc. What else will I come up with? At this point of my life, I don’t know what to do I have so many options to choose from. I realize  that I spent of my college career wasting my time to “fit in” when I was born to stand out and be myself. I spent 5 years just trying to fit in rather than finding myself. And I think I finally found myself… and it’s thanks to people I call my friends.

Now what?

Blogging Time Yeeee!!!

It’s that time again, that point in my day and sit down and write for the next half hour or so.  Week 2 is practically over and yet I haven’t found something useful to do with my life. I have thought about it and I came to the conclusion is that what I want to do in life is a job without money, a job without benefits, a job without a retirement fund but rather a great effort to change our society. I don't know if I'm making sense, in other words I want to fight and struggle and be in solidarity with those people who are suffering, those people don't have no one to speak up from them, etc. I think that's me rather than making money and ignoring others who are more important, I prefer helping others rather focusing on me. If we had help, I think this world could be a better place. Eh... 

I have no words tonight. Probably this is going to be a short post; I just wanted to come by and post something at least. The night is young and hopefully people are taking advantage of vacation and enjoy what's coming.